BUILDING SKILLS
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Cultivating a good relationship with our emotional nature—and acquiring new skills—begins by learning to turn our attention inwards. Most skill building depends on this ability because personal transformation inevitably involves the inner world. Many of us live in cultures, however, where the main focus is on external matters, and we have not yet learned to also turn our focus inwards. It is not difficult to learn but needs a bit of practice.
THE NUMBER ONE SKILL IS TO KNOW HOW TO TURN INWARDS
Imagine a spotlight that is focusing its light on something. The mind has the same sort of focal point that we can direct wherever we want. We practice tuning in by consciously directing our mind’s focus inwards for a moment, and do a quick scan of what is going on inside.
Maybe we discover some tension somewhere in the body; the breath feels shallow, the stomach feels tightened or other sensations. Maybe we notice something of an emotional nature or can hear the voice of critical self-talk rambling in the background about something we are supposed to be doing. Maybe we find ourselves filled with creative inspiration or daydreams. It can be many different phenomena we discover when tuning in. It can be absolutely fascinating to discover what actually goes on inside.
This process circle shows an example of how to focus when tuning in:
TUNE IN TO WHAT GOES ON INSIDE A FEW TIMES A DAY
ABOUT INNER WORK
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Engaging constructively with our inner world is often referred to as inner work. Sometimes we’ll be very clear about what we want to address, and sometimes we have to engage in order to find out what needs our attention. Doing inner work can hold many different meanings for us all, but as a skill, tuning in serves as a key to open the door to it.
Even though we can make the access to the inner world and its treasures more simple and straightforward today, there are some aspects of inner work that tend to take effort getting used to. This can be the case with the way the inner world communicates.
The inner world speaks in more sensory-based and symbolic languages than words. It communicates primarily through metaphors, images, dreams, image streams, colours, sensations, hints, sounds, intuitive hits, expansion, contraction or synchronicity. Sometimes the inner world simply speaks in a small, quiet voice. Yet it has the power to convey great clarity, practical solutions and meaningful guidance for our lives.
THE INNER WORLD SPEAKS IN SUBTLE AND SENSORY-BASED LANGUAGES
Communication channels like this can appear too vague, meandering and subtle for the rational mind and it does not to easily deal with them, let alone grasp the messages. It can take a while to understand something that differs so much from our everyday language if we are in the habit of relying on our minds a lot. A constructive approach is to be open-minded and curious about these other ways of knowing and communicating, and allow them to flow while we get used to catching their messages.
There are inner work processes and practices that necessitate peace and quiet but many can also be used in busier settings. Everyday life offers the main practice ground for building skills. Should we be on a skill building mission, for example, of breaking an old habit of getting disproportionately angry and resentful, it is in daily life situations that we are most likely to encounter opportunities to practice in the new responses.
Inner work can be done as and when we want it but engaging on a regular basis inevitably amplifies the results we get. It could be establishing a morning practice that sets the tone for the day or an evening version that closes the day meaningfully. Maybe it is allocating a weekly time slot to check in what is really going on, or taking time on the weekend to work through and release patterns that no longer serve us. Little by little we accumulate experience with different skill building, methods and tools.
EVERYDAY LIFE OFFERS GREAT PRACTICE GROUNDS FOR BUILDING SKILLS
Doing inner work is empowering yet the effects vary from person to person. Each one of us proceeds at our own time and pace according to needs and ability. It really matters that we only do what we honestly know is right for us. We follow our hearts, honour what we are drawn to, trust the inner sense of what we need to address but also know, accept and respect the limits of what we can and can’t do ourselves. Inner work needs to be engaged with responsibly.
Should we be working with a therapist or other health professionals, it is recommended that we share our inner work with them. Some of us partner up with someone we trust to work on issues we have in common or choose to attend mutual help support groups.
The results of inner work not only show up externally but primarily in how we feel inside. Emotions carry messages, and their communications are often sensory-based, much like other aspects of the inner world. Learning to hear what they want to share with us is very relevant when we want to develop emotional skills.
NOTICE HOW YOU FEEL BEFORE AND AFTER DOING INNER WORK
Some inner work processes can be quick yet give tangible effects like feeling freer, energised or more serene. Others have more subtle effects and show their benefits over time.
Let’s say we have been working to break a life-long habit of dwelling in an emotionally difficult go-to state. Inner work like this can take time to unravel the roots in our psyche, and it does not serve the change we seek to push for results harder. Allowing instead such inner processes to progress at their own organic pace can build stability in the momentum of transformation. The effects of our work become noticeable along the way.
Maybe we become aware sooner when we are in this familiar emotional state and choose to observe it differently. Maybe clarity dawns on us what has triggered the state and is likely to trigger it again. We feel inspired to explore methods that are helpful for triggers. From insight to insight we discover how to best reduce the power of this go-to state, how to spot the signs before the state grips us and how to cultivate states of being we would like to experience instead.
INNER WORK CAN KICK UP RESISTANCE
Despite the transformations and personal growth that comes with doing inner work, it isn’t always easy to do. Resistance can kick in. Stubborn obstacles can humble us. We can get fed-up with the time it takes or conversely, worry about the speed at which changes happen. There is meaning, wisdom, knowledge or information to be gathered in those situations.
Are the secondary gains operating behind the ‘dysfunction’ in focus threatened by the upcoming changes? What might those hidden benefits be? Do we need to slow down and focus only of one issue instead of trying to change a bunch? There is meaning, wisdom, knowledge and information that can be gathered in these situations as well.
GET INTO THE HABIT OF KEEPING A JOURNAL
It is very supportive to use a journal as a companion when doing inner work and skill building. We can express whatever we want there, from the problems to the solutions, and what happens in-between. It can serve as a safe space to express our inner-most feelings and thoughts, and become a liberating place used for processing, saving insights, discovering themes and celebrating progress. Adding visual imagery to a journal often works like magic.
When we get used to identifying such elements of our inner work processes, a powerful reference point of self-knowledge is created. The time and energy we have dedicated to inner work can quite literally create a goldmine of resources for future reference.
A working knowledge of the inner world also invites personalising the skill building we have learned over time. We can add to the existing scope of contents by adapting or expanding on tools, methods and techniques we have learned over time, with respect of their copyright. We can develop them from scratch. So why not create our own self-help ‘recipes’ and have at our fingertips a toolkit that is pertinent to the wellbeing of our own life?
CREATE YOUR OWN RECIPES OF INNER WORK
We are inevitably rewarded for giving time and attention to our inner life and building skills. Having just a few skills under our belt can change the quality of our life radically.
When inner work becomes a natural part of our lives, it increasingly elicits experiences of serendipity, effortless resolutions and unexpected grace. We come to follow signposts of inspiration, curiosity, attraction and hunches. Trust continues to build in our own way of knowing and we also learn to ask for help when needed. When we live co-creatively alongside our inner world, an ongoing invitation is to relate to whatever happens—inside and out—as opportunities to grow, heal, thrive and serve.
Inner work allows us to heal our wounds and release obstacles to our wellbeing. We can discover what is required to genuinely feel inner peace. Our intuition inevitably strengthens and challenges can be met with greater ease. We come to care for ourselves in healthy ways and the details of everyday life take on greater meaning. We may discover different dimensions of our nature and marvel at the webs of connection we notice. Inevitably, we learn more about ourselves and paradoxically, we also come to take ourselves less seriously.
While doing inner work and building skills serve our own lives, they inevitably benefit others as well. A powerful acknowledgement of this interconnected nature of life is expressed by the ritual of intentionally dedicating our inner work to serve the Good Of All. It works wonders to dedicate a piece of inner work to benefit others. The energy of our inner work is amplified when it is celebrated, enjoyed and shared!
DEDICATE YOUR INNER WORK FOR THE GOOD OF ALL
FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS
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To break the habits of not feeling confident with all our emotions, we need to befriend them. One emotional skill that paves the way for greater emotional ease and freedom is to get used to the actual sensations of different emotions.
The reason this simple skill is so liberating to learn is that many of us have feel actual fear around feeling some emotions. This fear leads to using ways of keeping them at bay; repressing, diverting or mood-altering in some way. But such habits can become entrenched patterns of behaviour that instead undermine our wellbeing. When we learn to engage directly with our emotions, those habits loose their hold.
The idea is to practice to deliberately stay with the sensations of emotions during the brief moment that they rise, move through the body and depart. In real time, this usually takes but a few moments.
In the process below, we need some light emotions to work with. We can either work with an emotional state that is currently active—maybe we got annoyed by something earlier—or we can briefly stimulate emotion by thinking of a situation or relationship that feels really frustrating. The trick is to connect slightly with the emotion but not fuel it. Use the circular process to practice:
IN DAILY LIFE this practice becomes second nature:
I sense and turn towards rising emotions, allow them to move through me and dissipate.
I name the emotion/s.
CALM YOUR REACTIONS
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We all benefit from knowing a few simple and quick tools that work with strong emotional reactions that happen in daily life. The following practices are aimed at calming reactions that have a habit of growing stronger.
Strong emotional reactions are rarely proportionate to what is actually happening, but tend to reflect something else we are sensitive about. But instead of discovering and addressing the real issue underlying driver of the reaction, emotional intensity naturally triggers one of four reflexes: one is to flee, another is to attack, the third is to freeze and the fourth is to fawn and try to make things better.
Stressful biochemistry begins to flood the body with even a hint of strong reactions. If we want to respond rather than react, we need to learn ways of creating a gap in the reactive cycle.
The basic idea is to learn to notice the early signs, keep our wits long enough to remember that there are methods and skills we can put to use. All of them take practice to become second nature. Here are a few skill-building options to choose from to learn to calm strong reactions:
SKILL ONE - - we slow down our breathing
Focus immediately on your breathing and relax it. Imagine it dropping down from the chest to your belly
SKILL TWO - we raise our gaze to stare into the far distance
Raise your gaze and direct it to a point in the far distance. Stay perfectly still physically as you slowly widen your visual focus at the horizon point until it has calmed down inside.
SKILL THREE - we tap meridian points on our body
With the flats of your hand, quickly tap the top of your head 10 times, then do the same on your chest, under the collarbones. Next bring the inside of your two wrists together and clap them against each other 10 times, then tap the fronts of your lower legs up and down 10 times. Repeat as needed.
As you learn this skill you can also measure the strength of your reaction when it kicks in ( on a scale from 1 - 10 ) and repeat the same protocol until you get a measurement lower than 3 in intensity.
SKILL FOUR - we create a gap
Name your emotion as soon as you can: ‘ I feel scared’ ‘I feel furious’ ‘I feel jealous’
SKILL FIVE - we step away from the environment
Step away and find a quiet spot where you can breathe freely. In your mind’s eye imagine calmness being restored through the in-breath and the reactive emotions released through the out-breath.
Only return to the setting once you feel centred and have some clarity about your response, in case the situation calls for it, such as saying
“When you … (the behaviour you reacted to in the other person)
I feel …. (your own emotion)
My request to you is….( what would work for you instead )”
SKILL SIX --we turn to questions
Ask yourself: What lies behind my reaction?
Does it have to do with an underlying fear? Am I afraid of loosing something I have?
If so, what is it?
Ask yourself: Am I afraid of not getting something I want?
If so, what is that?
Ask yourself: Is something else going on?
If so, identify what it is: I’m reacting because ………..
You may want to continue with these questions: Is there a creative solution in this situation? What is the motivation behind this solution? Am I just trying to control and get my way? What solution would best serve everyone involved?
Notice the effects of the reaction softening inside. If you care to, run through the questions until you feel at peace with the answers. The best solutions tend to bring a sense of inner peace and coherence.
SKILL SEVEN — we shake the energy of the reaction out of our system
Many animals shake their adrenaline rushes out of their body, and so can we. Lie down and allow your body to naturally release of the reactive build-up. It could be that it shakes, shudders or shivers or that the breathing is irregular or that it sighs. Stay focused on your body, not on what happened, until you feel calm inside again.
IN DAILY LIFE these practices become second nature:
I notice a rising reaction, and immediately use one of the skills I am learning. I put time aside to look for the drivers behind this type of reaction and release the emotional charge involved with tapping.
STOP YOUR OBSESSIVE THINKING
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This process is a simple and quick technique but it can be remarkably effective. It gets us off the hamster wheel of obsessive thinking for long enough to be able to focus on something different.
We need to repeat it a few times if the obsessive thought pattern has been running for a while.
THE PRACTICE PROCESS
Set your intention to stop your obsessive thinking.
Turn inwards and collect an impression of your state of mind
KEEP STILL
Standing or sitting, keep your body absolutely still for the duration of the process
FOCUS YOUR GAZE
Look straight ahead and bring your gaze to a point in front of you. Hold it there for a few seconds
SLOWLY TURN YOUR HEAD TO THE LEFT
Slowly move your head to the left and focus your gaze on a point there for a few seconds
SLOWLY TURN YOUR HEAD BACK AND TO THE RIGHT
Slowly move your head to the right and focus your gaze on a point there for a few seconds
TURN YOUR HEAD FORWARD
Slowly bring your head forward
NOTICE THE EFFECTS
Notice the effects by turning inwards and get an impression of the quality of your thinking now.
DAILY LIFE PRACTICE
I notice when my thinking becomes obsessive, I still, focus my gaze, slowly turn my head left, focus there, then turn it right, focus, and turn it straight ahead.
I notice the effects this has had on my thinking.
OVER A MONTH, WRITE DOWN EXAMPLES OF THE FOCUS OF YOUR OBSESSIVE THINKING
FRAME YOUR FAMILIAR EMOTIONS
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This written process strengthens our ability to discover influences that possibly amplify a familiar emotions. We place the emotion in a wider context and explore how thoughts, self-talk and beliefs could be adding their effects. Write down your answers in the course of the process
PICK A FOCUS
Choose a situation to work with that carries emotional charge. Name the emotion if possible
FOLLOW THE PROCESS & CREATE A FULL SENTENCE WITH YOUR ANSWERS
I feel .... ( your emotion ) e.g. I feel afraid… I feel angry… I feel ashamed… I feel jealous …
ADD YOUR THOUGHTS & SELF-TALK
because …. ( the threatening scenario you think can come from this charged situation)
ADD YOUR BELIEFS
it confirms my belief that .... ( a belief you might have about situations like it)
Examples: “I can’t depend on others“ “I have to do everything myself” “I can’t change this” “Someone needs to do it for me” “No matter how hard I try, I will not succeed” “It would be selfish” “I must avoid conflicts” “I mustn’t be humiliated” “I mustn’t be abandoned”
ADD YOUR TYPICAL BEHAVIOURS
it makes me behave in this way .... ( a behaviour you turn to)
Examples: I focus on fixing it, I try to make things better, I force my will on others, I control details, I try to please, I rebel against it, I accommodate to others, I ignore what has happened, I turn away, I disappear, I isolate, I get sick, I withdraw from contact, I stonewall, I act out
ADD YOUR UNDERMINING STATE
and this can lead to a place where I feel, think or tell myself I am .... ( a go-to state you know well)
Examples: abandoned, alone, ashamed, guilty, frightened, unsafe, down, rejected, worthless, immature, insignificant, excluded, ignored, inadequate, hopeless, responsible, criticised, violated, angry, resentful
REFRAME
Reframe the sentence you have created about the emotionally charged situation:
I no longer feel …. ( your emotion )
because .... ( name a supportive scenario of the situation eg. I trust I can handle it)
this confirms my belief that .... ( name a supportive belief to have eg. I am resourceful)
it makes me behave like this .... ( name a supportive behaviour eg. I can give it a try)
this makes me feel, think or say ( eg. I feel pretty good about being willing to deal with it)
CLOSE & REFLECT
Close the process and reflect on it. Was this useful for you? Could you adapt it to work better for you? Could it serve you in the future? Did anything surprise you?
IN DAILY LIFE this practice becomes second nature:
I notice a charged emotional situation, give the most familiar emotion a name and run through the protocol to discover what thoughts, self-talk and beliefs are interacting. I reframe these to support myself and progress
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
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This process cultivates the ability to consistently choose to focus on what we are grateful for.
Few practices are as effective in terms of consciously influencing our emotional wellbeing and inner peace as counting our blessings. Over time it becomes a delightful way of relating to life. It steadily replaces undermining mind-sets and beliefs with states of gratitude.
It is quite simple to cultivate gratitude; we train ourselves to notice whatever blessings we feel grateful for, big or small. We see, feel, think and talk blessings. If we get distracted and start counting our woes, we shift back to expressing gratitude as soon as we noticed.
Paying attention to all our blessings replaces the old battle stories with life affirming perspectives. This is a practice that makes us feel good.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
GRATITUDE LIST
TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR
THE PRACTICE PROCESS
Set the intention to notice your blessings in everyday life. It gives energy to your effort.
TUNE IN & RESPOND
Take a deep breath, relax and turn your attention to gratitude
Write down your answers to the following questions:
Right here, right now, what am I grateful for?
In terms of my health, how am I blessed?
In terms of my relationships, how am I blessed?
In my daily activities, what do I really appreciate?
When I wake up in the morning, do I feel grateful for a new day?
When I go to sleep at night, do I find blessings in the day that has just passed?
What are the small things that I feel blessed by?
When I have what I want, do I express my gratitude?
When I don’t get what I want, can I see it as a blessing in disguise?
How can I best acknowledge all my blessings?
How can I remember to notice my blessings throughout the day?
NOTICE THE EFFECT Notice the effects inside of exploring your relationship with gratitude and appreciation.
GRATITUDE DIET FOR A WEEK, NOTICE EFFECTS
GRATITUDE DIET FOR A MONTH, NOTICE EFFECTS
IN DAILY LIFE
I remember each day to perceive the details of my life with sincere gratitude and appreciation.
WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR RIGHT NOW?
