DISCOVER MY EMOTIONAL PROFILE
About Our Emotional Profile • Enjoyable Emotions • Difficult Emotions • Feeling Afraid • Angry • Ashamed • Confused • Hurt • Impatient • Jealous • Lonely • Sad • The Wish List
WHO AM I EMOTIONALLY?
There is a roundabout but effective way to discover more about our emotional profile. Pen in hand, we read up on some common emotional states, answer the questions along the way and write down anything that resonates with us.
As we gather knowledge about emotions, and how we relate to different emotions, a picture begins to emerge of who we are emotionally. The emotions we love feeling stand out to be seen, as well as those we struggle with. We may well discover the coping mechanisms that help us avoid feeling certain emotions or ways in which we hurt ourselves emotionally, but we are also likely to come across many ideas of how to support ourselves instead.
With the gathered insights, we have actually taken the first step to the emotional freedom that is available to us, should we want it.
In the course of discovering elements of our emotional profile, it is only natural to also notice what we wish was different. When we make a wish list of these desired changes, we are also creating a map of where to begin growing our emotional skills.
Pen in hand, we read through these descriptions and note down whatever resonates as personally relevant.
ABOUT OUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE
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ENGAGING WITH ENJOYABLE EMOTIONS
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TO BEGIN, let’s focus on emotions that many of us enjoy feeling.
Look through the different emotions below and write down the names of those you have experienced.
I LOVE FEELING….
Are there emotions among them that you have yet to experience, but would like to?
Write those down as well.
I WOULD LOVE TO FEEL….
The point of identifying emotions you would love to feel is that emotional states can be cultivated on purpose— both those we have already experienced and those we have yet to discover. Cultivating emotional states is a key skill to learn and gain confidence in.
The idea with cultivation is not to avoid certain emotions by forcing others in their place. We are not trying to control the flow of life and avoid its changing nature with attempts to create ongoing states of happiness. All everyday emotions serve a purpose and aim to support our wellbeing. Their nature is free-flowing and it simply doesn’t work to hold them hostage.
With cultivation, we are instead being creative with our inner states of being, and also exercising our right to not depend exclusively on external circumstances to feel good. We intentionally refocus the quest for extracting happiness out of life and instead create it within ourselves. In this way we not only feel good and grow confident in our emotional skills but we also contribute this energy to life around us.
Cultivation is a practice which shifts the quality of presence in one state to another; we are vibrationally aligning ourselves with more emotional wellbeing. The vibrational energy of emotions communicates through the whole body and mind, and externally as well, and this is what makes the quality of our emotions so influential.
It is easiest to see conscious cultivation as an experience of expansion inside. To become familiar with it, we tune in —turn inwards—in the course of our days and ask simple questions like “How am I feeling?” or “Is my inner state expansive?”
Should we notice that it feels contracted inside, we first check it out for any relevant information and then ask it to release with the word Clear. It is now possible in our mind’s eye to visually cultivate an inner state. We see it opening, expanding and filling us with emotional wellbeing.
Feeling good can come about naturally, but we can also learn to create it. We do not have to stay stuck in any emotions, reactions or states. With emotional skills, we are likely to discover that no matter where we find ourselves on the scale of emotional intensity, it is an option at any point to intentionally increase our emotional wellbeing, much like we are capable of making ourselves feel worse.
While we can be happy for no reason, there are also innumerable reasons that lead directly to feeling good. Being kind for no reason is a good example of cultivating benevolent states into being. When we are kind to ourselves and to others, we begin to think, feel, and act from a place of wellbeing.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling good part of my emotional profile?
In what ways?
When do I feel happy?
With whom do I feel good?
The emotions I love feeling…
The emotions I would love to feel…
Do I want to know how to cultivate feeling good in daily life?
What skills would I like to develop?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
When we want to change our emotional life for the better, a foundational skill to learn is to collaborate with the transient nature of our emotions. This makes it so much easier for us to relate constructively with our more difficult emotions.
The nature of emotions is momentary. Many of us react instead automatically against some of them and interfere again and again with their job of briefly delivering messages of concern or celebration. Working with their transient nature accepts and allows them to move through us, communicate and depart.
When emotions present themselves, there could be a range of messages for us; from the inconvenient (difficult emotions) to those we love to feel (enjoyable emotions.) We can let them pass rather than react or get hijacked by them. Neither the difficult nor enjoyable emotions are meant to be stationary.
We learn a formidable life skill when we discover working with our emotions instead of resisting them. To grow confident, we need to first get used to the visceral sensations of different emotions. It is a skill we can be proud of because it changes the way we handle other issues in life, for example, we can tolerate the tension that decision making might involve, or situations with polarities and opposition. Those sensations show up in many different contexts of being faced with the unknown.
Do we know how to allow our emotions to move through us or do we resist and block them?
ENGAGING WITH DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
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FEELING AFRAID
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ABOUT FEAR
Fear is much like a travelling companion in life that helps us become aware, focused and able to respond constructively to the environments we encounter. Its essential message for us is to be attentive and act responsibly. In its natural free-flowing state, fear simply senses what is going on around us and communicates about it.
As most of us have experienced, there are also moments when we feel incredibly strong fear due to immediate danger. Fortunately we can depend on our natural instinctual reflexes to take action in those situations.
Yet many of us feel fearful in so many other ways in life. We have learned to fear-monger ourselves and live in cultures that are fear-mongering. Much of it takes place unknowingly—unless we have decided to watch a scary movie, take a terrifying ride at a fun fair or something like that.
When we haven’t been given the benefit of an emotional education, it is understandable that we might confuse the strong visceral sensations of feeling afraid in the past with fear itself. These bodily sensations can be stimulated into being by imaginations of the mind, fuelled by repetitious thought, or for that matter, a horror movie. The sensations feel so real viscerally that we believe them to be real. The imaginings of the mind can seriously influence, impact and create how we end up feeling.
We are exposed to a great deal of uncertainty as human beings so worrying about things might seem like a good thing to do, even a way of possibly influencing or controlling outcomes. But to worry incessantly creates its own problems.
The hamster-wheel of repetitious worrying easily becomes obsessive, and the biochemistry that is generated can in itself become addictive. If we repeatedly think, believe and talk strongly about something, we are likely to grow very ‘emotional’ about it. Extended mental speculation, judgement, and projection often stimulate moods. Emotional moods can last for hours, even days and weeks, and grow into go-to states that become familiar, as if they have been cultivated into being. These states are learned, and can also be unlearned.
Fears sourced in the imagination and by constant worrying produce struggle mentalities where one imaginary battlefield of adversity follows another. The side effects of ongoing worrying manifest in our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health and wellbeing.
We have not yet realised that it is the job of free-flowing fear to message us on an ongoing basis about how we stay safe, and what actions are best taken, and that all our human faculties are there to inform, help and guide us through the peaks and valleys of life on earth.
ENGAGING WITH FEAR
The aim of this process below is to gather information about the way we relate to fear. This way we get to know more about our emotional profile, what we have come to believe about emotions like fear and how we tend to respond to them.
Fear is such an important emotion to understand our relationship to. This is why there are quite a few questions available here, but the idea is to answer those we resonate with. It may be a few or them all.
This is a fact-finding exercise that calls for short answers. There is no need to dwell on details, only to write down the first answers we get. The idea is to fact-find, not stoke emotions.
With pen and paper in hand, read the questions below and answer them.
Does feeling afraid feature in my emotional make-up?
Am I afraid often, rarely, sometimes?
Is it usually about being afraid of something specific, or something vague?
Would I like to change my relationship with fear?
If you want to delve deeper, respond to those questions below that seem relevant to you:
Do I have memories of feeling afraid and worried?
If I felt fearful young, was I helped to handle it, or left alone to deal with the experience?
What did I train myself to do then when I was afraid?
What messages was I given about being afraid?
Do people spring to my mind who worried or were anxious when I grew up?
Can I recognise any of those ways in myself?
What tends to stimulate fear in me most often today?
Who tends to stimulate fear in me most often today?
Are these situations generated by worrying or do they call for action?
How do I usually deal with fearful situations these days?
When I feel fear, where are those sensations in the body?
How would I describe the visceral sensations when I feel afraid?
Do I anticipate loss in some way?
Am I fearful of the future?
Is it the past that stokes fear in me?
Do I question the value of worrying and other fear-mongering?
Turn your focus back to the present moment and take a moment to reflect before summarising your findings in brief answers to the next questions.
Is feeling fear part of my emotional profile?
In what ways?
When do I feel fear?
Are my fears sourced in imaginary scenarios?
My specific fears are…
My vague fears show up this way……
My typical response to fear is …
Courageously gathering information about such a key emotion like fear is something to be proud of. Fear underpins other emotions and to build skills, we need to know if it is, or isn’t, part of our emotional profile, and how.
It can be helpful to also notice what we wish was different. The following questions aim to elicit such information in our answers:
Is there anything I have discovered that I want to address, change or transform?
If so, name it with a word or two but do not engage for now as this is a fact-finding process. Set the intention to address it when things are in place for you to engage constructively with it.
Do I want to address something I have been afraid of?
If so, name it with a word or two but do not engage now. Set the intention to address it when things are in place for you to do so.
Do I want to learn how to relate to the visceral sensations of my emotions like fear?
If so, think of the ways you would like to learn this and set the intention to achieve this skill.
Do I want to know how to safely express my emotions to others?
If so, think of the ways and settings that you would prefer to practice this skill-building and set the intention to make this skill your own.
Reflect on these ideas:
Looking back on our history we might notice that our past fears and worries have not always been accurate. Many were possibly imaginary fears that had been cultivated into being. In fact, did any of those challenging events that we worried so much about ever turn out exactly as we feared? Often we find that we feel more afraid of things ahead of time than when they are actually happening.
From now on, in situations where we feel afraid, could we get into the habit of asking ourselves: “Am I afraid of something real or imagined” and then act upon the answers accordingly?
According to author Karla McLaren, a rule of thumb when feeling afraid is to ask: What am I called to face?
Learning to respond to an emotion—rather than reacting to it as if we are at its mercy—is part and parcel of the process of becoming emotionally skilled. Most often it is the emotions in everyday situations that provide the perfect conditions to test and experiment with new ways of relating to our emotions.
There are many tools, techniques and resources to choose from to support our journey to emotional freedom today. Sometimes these practices have immediate results, sometimes they take longer, but they steadily liberate us emotionally over time.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling fear part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel afraid?
What do I typically feel fearful about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with fear?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
FEELING ANGRY
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ABOUT ANGER
As a messenger, anger tells us that something isn’t right. It protectively rises to point out where boundaries are being broken and our values are threatened. The surging energy of anger is meant to strengthen us when we feel disrespected, criticised or attacked by people or situations that matter to us. If they weren’t important, we would not be angered.
As few of us have been taught how to constructively relate to our own or other people’s anger, we react instead and this can get messy. Broadly speaking, anger is expressed in two ways: we explode with it, or we implode and swallow it. The mood state of anger is resentment. It is a festering state, fuelled by thinking and self-talk.
Once we understand more about how and where anger manifests in our lives, it is a lot easier to learn to channel this fierce energy wisely. Broadly speaking, do we tend to explode or implode with anger? Do we silently stew in it and become resentful?
ANGER IMPLOSION
When we implode with anger, we push it down, hold it at bay or act out in private but often in self-destructive ways.
Some of us were conditioned young to not get angry, and to avoid conflicts with angry people at all costs. Maybe we even came to believe that we have no right to be angry. So we have become clever at repressing the energy of anger in ourselves and implode with it.
Unwittingly we are allowing others to hurt us without consequence when we repress our anger. Stuffing anger can have many consequences and be a contributing factor in depressive states for example. It can also show up in relationship conflicts where others are unconsciously expected to be angry on our behalf.
ANGER EXPLOSION
Feeling angry causes some of us to explode. We surrender to it as if we have absolutely no say in what happens. We lash out, attack, counter attack and show our might to squash and silence the other. Without attention, this way of ‘handling’ anger ends up repeating in predictable cycles.
The loop begins with a sudden build-up, then the explosion, followed by dealing with the aftermath. But the explosions tend to get progressively worse when they are not attended to, and some of us end up becoming rageaholics. Maybe we feel guilt and shame later on, and profusely apologise and promise that this will never happen again, but it does.
Exploding anger is not only a way of dumping our own emotional reactiveness on others, even blaming them for it, but it is also a form of control. We are pretending to be powerful when in fact we are feeling powerless and afraid.
Exploding anger may unknowingly be used to set emergency boundaries for ourselves, but this can also invite in violence, abuse and injustice. We tend to project our anger onto others for unconscious reasons; to gut inner tensions, maintain control, avoid responsibility, get our way, save our face, impose respect and so on. Long-term it is practically impossible to ignore the devastating effects that our exploding anger has on others and ourselves.
ANGER MOODS
Feeling resentful is a festering version of anger. When we silently stew in angry thoughts, it soon becomes a mood state. It could be stoked by repeatedly thinking that we have been taken for granted, unfairly treated, used, ignored or other. Maybe we believe that someone has gotten away with something, not doing their part or is reaping rewards for our hard work or ideas. Maybe we feel resentful because we are carrying a disproportionate amount of responsibility and are not recognised or rewarded for it. Regardless of the reason, resentments tend to be held in place by our thinking, beliefs and self-talk.
The ache of disappointment might boil down to not feeling acknowledged by others. But then we might not be acknowledging our own worth either but focused on being right, noticed, given credit. The answer is is believed to be external: we want the culprit to feel bad, say sorry and be remorseful. We don’t want to admit that we have played a part in the issue. Resentment has even been described as taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Paradoxically, resentment embodies a powerful invitation to self-knowledge. It even provides us with excellent ‘materials’ for testing skills and new practices. Much as we use our thinking, beliefs and self-talk to feel resentful so can we use them to generate states that make us feel good.
ENGAGING WITH ANGER AND RESENTMENT
Few experiences are more life changing than being freed from unconscious ways of relating to anger and resentments. It is less about trimming and managing our anger and more about understanding how and where we express it, and use methods to change what doesn’t work for us.
It helps to write a bullet point biography of anger of our lives. What happens when I have felt felt anger, and what issues were usually involved? Thinking back, how did I learn these ways of dealing with anger? Who taught me? What memories do I have associated with anger? How do I tend to respond to other people’s anger? What would I like to see happen instead?
Resentment is a form of simmering anger that needs to be included in the biography. What were the worst resentments about? Who did it involve? If I feel resentment today, does it feed on the judgement of others as well as myself? What are the typical judgements involved? Is there an ache of disappointment from not being acknowledged? What is the first experience I can recall of feeling this way?
Episodes of anger often reflect leaky boundaries with others. What boundary issues might be active today? Where do I feel infringed upon? Where am I allowing it? Where do I ignore the boundaries set by others? What relationships feel disrespectful of my boundaries and which ones feel healthy and respectful?
A quick method suggested by the author Karla McLaren is learning to channel the intense energy of anger elsewhere and direct it constructively. It is pulled away from the external focus on a person or situation, and directed where it can serve us. We imagine ourselves with a living boundary surrounding us and pour the energy of the anger into strengthening our own boundary.
Other effective methods have been developed by Marshall Rosenberg, known under the umbrella of Non-Violent Communications, and Douglas Noll’s method De-escalate, an approach used in prisons to swiftly get to the driver behind the anger and interfere with the trajectory of it. Both Rosenberg and Noll concur that it is unmet needs that lead to conflicts—such as not being heard and respected—and that these tend to operate behind out-of-control anger.
We can radically change all kinds of past, current or future issues with anger. The more we relate constructively to our emotions, know our needs and communicate them cleanly, the quicker others respond in kind. When boundaries are respected, everyone benefits as it feels safe to know the limits of our own behaviours and those of others.
Feeling anger is an opportunity to fine-tune our response to it.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling anger part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel angry?
What do I typically feel angry about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with my anger?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
FEELING SHAME
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ABOUT SHAME
When we feel shame, we are called to realign with our true values. While anger speaks of being protective of our boundaries with others, shame aims to safeguard our inner boundaries—the codes of conduct we live by. Feeling ashamed indicates that they are in one way or another threatened, broken or absent.
The sensations of shame arise when we are not in alignment with the values we want to live by. The trick is to understand whether those values are genuinely our own, or reflect the standards of our upbringing.
The communications of authentic shame are not pointing out wrongdoing but rather a reminder of living in integrity and the self-respect that comes with it. Unlike guilt—which calls for amends to be made for something specific—shame is the emotional consequence that follows actions that are not aligned with deeper values.
But feeling shame can feel like we are being punished. The reasons for it often lie in our childhood conditioning. Shaming, after all, is a common method for disciplining children, of teaching them ‘right from wrong.’ More often than not, shaming is used by caregivers to gain control and are not really about us.
Experiences of being shamed when we are young can lead to invisible contracts being established about who we are supposed to be, and these we can unconsciously remain loyal to for a long time. It takes awareness of their existence to consciously cancel them. Invisible contracts that involve shame can even lead to feeling shameful about who we are. The emotional charge of childhood shame in our system can be devastating to live with and may act like a hidden dynamite that blows up and amplifies the small hits of everyday shame that we might feel.
This is not the momentary free-flowing natural shame which is empowering. It is instead shame that has been fabricated and imposed on us. Conditioned shame can take many forms and each individual has their own unique experiences with it. But when it is experienced at early ages, it is particularly influential and can lead to a strong sense inside that we are faulty, not good enough and unworthy.
There can be far-reaching consequences of being shamed young. It creates filters of perception that taint how we see things in life. They influence our behaviours, choices and experiences, and can lead to living in fear of being disapproved of, judged, rejected or abandoned. We may also unconsciously perpetuate the shaming of ourselves, for instance shaming ourselves for not doing enough, being enough, having enough or something else along those lines, such as shaming our bodies or how we look. Early experiences of being shamed can have devastating influences on our developing sense of self. Wherever these legacies fall on the scale of impact in our own lives, there are safe and sound methods and approaches available today to address them.
SHAME & GUILT
An interplay takes place between shame and guilt. Both indicate losses of connection to what really matters. Something is out of alignment with our values, and our integrity needs to be restored. But guilt and shame also differ.
Guilt is a warning that something is about to happen—or something has happened-–which needs to be put right. It calls for action. Feeling guilty functions much like the needle on a compass: it points out the direction of where we need to be accountable. When we don’t, shame can be felt. Should we repress the messages of guilt and shame instead of honouring the calls, our psyche is obliged to extend a great deal of energy to hold them at bay on a daily basis.
ENGAGING WITH SHAME & GUILT
If we want to live free of conditioned shame and its consequences—and benefit instead from the naturally occurring free-flowing shame—we need to discover more about our personal constellation of shame related issues. We turn to identifying how and where shame shows up in our lives, present and past. What is it that needs to to be accepted, released, healed, or transformed?
To do this work, we need to be honest with ourselves about getting the right kind of support. Is it to get the help of a therapist or a support group? To engage with John Bradshaw’s work on these subjects? To follow EFT tapping protocols available on YouTube? As this inner work could involve difficult memories and other issues, it is recommended that we establish reliable support before engaging with the healing of our history of shame.
The good news is that it is very possible to free ourselves from shackles of trapped shame and release invisible contracts from our early years. We can, for example, gently but steadily free ourselves from external and internal shame inducing messages by constructively working with our self-talk. How do I shame myself today? We can cultivate mantras and affirmations of self-support, self-forgiveness and self-compassion that replace the old messages.
We can also practice methods that deal with shame hits and shame spirals on the spot, or learn to make amends when we behave in harmful ways. Is there anyone to whom I owe amends for wrongdoing? We can also learn to honour the free-flowing shame that quietly gets on with helping us stay on course in everyday life. This are but some examples of the liberating, transformative and empowering work that heals shame.
While we attend to these issues we are also called to become aware of any shaming we do to others. The habit of shaming others is an ingrained social habit in many cultures. In addition to the influence of various media, much time can be spent today on judging others through gossip and speculation purely to momentarily feel better about ourselves. When we stop shaming others, we are less likely to feel ashamed and shame ourselves.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling shame part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel shame?
What do I typically feel shame about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop around shame and guilt?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
FEELING CONFUSED
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ABOUT CONFUSION
Feelings of confusion connect us invisibly with the uncertainty of the ever changing nature of life and it also brings us personally relevant messages. It is understandable that most of us prefer not to experience such states; we’d much rather be in charge and know exactly what we are doing and where we are heading. Confusion can feel intensely threatening when we desire clarity, direction and order.
So it is common to react against states of confusion by denying, resisting, and refusing to accept this emotional state, let alone accept and collaborate with it.
The actual experience of feeling confused makes it hard for the mind to focus; it can feel as if we are living inside a cloud of unknowing. Maybe we wish we could just force some decisions, despite our mixed feelings, and that this would lift the fog and we’d be back to normal again.
Even though confusion can be an uncomfortable state to inhabit, it serves a purpose: to remind us that, in one way or another, we are out of alignment with the deeper intentions of our life, and there is something in our current motivation, behaviour or direction that is not congruent with these.
Feelings of confusion can sometimes call for action but also for taking time out. It all depends on our individual situations. We need to identify if it is a momentary spell, a familiar go-to state or if it is instead the confusion of a life transition.
SPELLS OF CONFUSION
Periods of feeling confused might be temporary or extended. Maybe we are confused about a current decision or a job. Maybe it concerns a relationship or a new direction in life. Not making decisions, not taking actions, not pushing for things to happen can be very uncomfortable experiences, but when we accept the fact that we do not know at this point of time, we can gain a very useful emotional skill: knowing how to navigate phases of uncertainty.
Such knowledge begins by learning to tolerate the inner tensions that are generated, and eventually understanding how to influence and lessen their effects. This skill translates into knowing how not to stress ourselves.
Sometimes an unexpected situation tips the scales of what we thought we could handle–-that last straw has been added to our load. Whether it is something large or small which triggers it, we may convince ourselves that we cannot see the way forward. Perhaps we don’t know the limits of our capacity, and habitually take on too many responsibilities. Maybe it is perfectionism or a need to be needed that hounds us. There are innumerable sources of confusion in contemporary life. It is as if confusion steps in, stops us and communicates “Enough now! Stop using your busyness to avoid the intentions you set for your life. Take time out and open up to internal answers so that alignment and authentic guidance can be restored.”
STUCK IN CONFUSION
Some of us live in a more or less permanent states of confusion and overwhelm. We have become too caught up in situations to even look at them, let alone attempting to make changes. Like broken records we tell ourselves that ‘we can’t cope’ and ‘we have to do something about it’ yet carry on in the same way day in and day out.
When we are stuck in such states of confusion, our life energy is used to battle the same old fears and issues, and we repeat familiar experiences. If this is the case, we are better off committing to a simple structured approach which will nudge us out of this comfort zone bit by bit. It is the small daily steps that can most help us out of these go-to states. They gently restore confidence in ourselves again. Confusion transforms into an opportunity to internally and externally shift and release stagnant energy.
LIFE TRANSITION CONFUSION
Sometimes confusion carries on over an extended period because we are living through a major life transition. The old and familiar is falling away and it can be bewildered to experience what is happening. Our whole world is changing and every apparent loss may be resisted. We try to hold on to what we know best but things seem to be disappearing from our lives. It is not yet possible to gain clarity about what is taking their place.
When feeling confused is expressed in this way, it can help to look at it as if we are ‘pregnant’ with something new. Just as certain seasonal phases in nature appear to be inactive, so do we inevitably go through periods in life when we seem to be in the dark. The growth and transformation is happening within but has not yet become visible, and this can feel confusing.
The creative potential in a confusing life transition is to relate to it with curiosity; to become intrigued about what is being created. This helps us notice small signs and feel flashes of hope that we can trust in the process of invisible growth. Again it is by allowing ourselves to consciously experience not knowing and not resorting to action that the fog of confusion will lift when the job is done.
If we focus on staying attentive to what takes place in the present moment, and allow ourselves to be open and curious about what’s coming, these phases of not knowing tend to bring unforeseen treasures. They turn out to be powerful gestation periods that renew and generate energy for meaningful life changes.
Whether we are in our 20’s and wondering where we are heading, in the throes of a mid-life crisis or recovering from a life changing illness, there are many reasons why we will spend time in the dark during our lives. Once we have learned to tolerate the tensions of one phase of confusion, it will serve as a roadmap for those we are likely to experience in the future. They are part and parcel of life.
Confusion teaches us that it is impossible to be in control all the time, and that there are times in our lives when we have to have faith in unknown processes.
ENGAGING WITH CONFUSION
In the throes of confusion, we first need to accept that we are confused. Then it is easier to engage constructively with the state and take time to ask ourselves a few questions rather than look for external solutions.
When time and space is allowed to explore the opportunity that is served by confusion, we are likely to discover that we have been disconnected from something that needs to be restored or changed. What are my true feelings about what has led up to this state of being? What is it that I long to be genuinely connected to again?
No matter the direction we might want to go in, or the decision we might want to make, there will be inner values and life intentions that need to be factored in. If there was a goal in the experience of feeling confused, it is to connect with those inner intentions before anything else. The fog begins to lift and the path ahead becomes clearer for us when we do.
Feeling confused brings forth opportunities to learn ways of navigating through phases of uncertainty and realign with our deeper intentions.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling confusion part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel confused?
What do I typically feel confused about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with confusion?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
FEELING HURT
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ABOUT HURT
There is an ache to feeling hurt that most of us can’t bear to feel. We’ll do just about anything to avoid experiencing it. The sensations are so strong and it becomes hard to think clearly. Other emotions may come into play so we could also feel lonely, vulnerable, confused, sad, or angry.
It is only natural to assume that we feel hurt because of something that has happened to us; the cause is something that someone else, or others, have done. We have been let down in some way. And when we feel let down, it can tap into feeling left out, excluded or abandoned.
Any emotion that hints of exclusion is particularly painful for us human beings. The experience of feeling hurt can have deep roots in our collective psyche and be imbued with many invisible influences. So an experience of feeling hurt could be reactivating the emotional charge of a hidden human history as well.
When our associations with feeling hurt and let down are linked to other people, it is only natural to believe that the emotions we feel are the fault and responsibility of others. Something has happened to us. When we believe that the cause of our hurt is outside of us, we probably believe that the answer lies there too. Our painful emotions will be over when that something changes, or that someone changes and takes responsibility for our hurt.
This line of logic to feeling hurt can so easily lead to ruminating on what they should do to make us feel better, and how we can make sure this happens. Maybe we want revenge and to punish those involved in letting us down. The more we think about it and rehash what happened, the more we entrench ourselves in a state of feeling victimised.
The problem with holding another responsible for our own emotions is that it doesn’t work. While it may give us a moment of relief sometimes, we are unwittingly setting ourselves up for a repeat of the pattern of feeling hurt. Until we acknowledge that others are not in charge of how we feel, we’ll end up feeling hurt again and again.
Some of us collapse onto ourselves when feeling hurt instead of pointing the finger elsewhere. We blame ourselves regardless of the circumstances or injustices involved. We volunteer to take on the whole responsibility without any consideration of whether this could be harmful to ourselves.
Whatever our response is when we feel hurt and let down, the emotional suffering begins to change when we bring light to what has taken place. Even though people can be very hurtful, an opportunity can also be discovered in these difficult situations: to free ourselves from ways that repeatedly lead to emotional suffering.
ENGAGING WITH HURT
The inconvenient truth about feeling hurt and let down is that the aching, hurting and thinking is happening within us. To heal, we need to recognise where this reactiveness is taking place — inside of ourselves. Should we want to feel at peace again, the ball is in our court. We, not others, need to find the willingness to engage with our emotions constructively, and liberate ourselves from unnecessary suffering.
The experience of feeling hurt or let down can lead us to understand the part we play in situations. Looking closer we may discover that an experience happened because we invested too much of our own energy into it and weren’t clear about what we expected in return. Maybe we relied on unspoken understandings, made guesses or constructed scenarios that weren’t made explicit.
This is understandable as not all of us know our own needs and how to respect them, let alone how to express them cleanly and see them acknowledged in the relationship with others. Feeling hurt and let down can be an extraordinary catalyst for becoming more realistic about our expectations of others. When we feel hurt and let down, messages are waiting to be discovered. The experience can instigate profound insights about ourselves and finding better ways forward.
One opportunity is to learn about the patterns and dynamics we rely on and how we make changes to them. Discovering such insights often help us to get over the actual hurt of recent experiences but also makes it less likely that we will live through same thing again. While this is inner work that tends to mature over time, setting aside time to specifically address recent experiences of hurt is the gateway in. It is a good idea to take notes of the discoveries we make.
Exploring the theme of unrealistic expectations with others, we could ask ourselves: What part have I played in this hurtful situation? Have I had other experiences with a similar outcomes? If so, what pattern could I detect in that? Where else have I invested similar expectations in others in my life? If so, have those expectations been clearly communicated? Are there reasons I already know why they are unlikely to be fulfilled? How could I best relate to them?
Looking at unmet needs and other themes, we might ask questions like: Do I know my needs in the different relationships I have? Do I know how to communicate them effectively? How do I tend to set myself up to feel hurt and let down with others? Do I hurt or abandon myself in relationships? Do I invest my wellbeing into being cared for by others rather than taking responsibility for it myself? Do I struggle with putting my trust in others? What lies behind these ways of being? Are there undermining beliefs that show up in these situations? What might they be? Do I want to change these? How can I set myself up to succeed in the relationship with others? What would I tell my future self to respect from all these insights?
By turning inwards and reflecting on a current situation, we may discover that instead of communicating clearly, we tend to give mixed messages. Needs are difficult to guess; they are better met when they’re clearly stated. We could get hurt again if we continue to hide our real needs from ourselves and others. But we don’t express our needs to make sure that they are met by others, we express them to give value to what is true for us. How they are met will next be reflected on.
We could also discover that our feelings of hurt are still being fuelled by our thoughts and actions. If so, what self-talk are we listening to? What is needed for this to change?
Only we can know the reasons why we feel hurt or let down, and only we can have the willingness to transform them. The first step is to recognise that our feelings of are taking place within us.
By keeping notes of the insights we make, it is easier to see how feeling hurt shows up in our emotional profile, and to identify the skills we would like to cultivate to influence any patterns behind them for the better.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling hurt part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel hurt?
What do I typically feel hurt about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
What skills would I like to have to relate constructively with feeling hurt?
When and how would I like to begin this?
FEELING IMPATIENT
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ABOUT IMPATIENCE
It is inevitable in our time-sensitive world that we become pressured by deadlines and time restraints. We are surrounded by messages reminding us that time is limited and things should get done quickly. Many of us learn to push ourselves to make things happen; as fast as we possibly can, and feeling impatient is one of the consequences when we stress ourselves.
Many cultural ideals and messages suggest that this kind of state is part and parcel of life today and that we should all learn to manipulate it to our advantage. The implication is not only that feeling stressed is unavoidable, but also that success comes hand in hand with our ability to handle ever increasing amounts of it. The problem with such reasoning is manifold, especially when so few of us have learned useful ways of handling emotionally and mentally intense states.
When we are mentally wrapped up in what needs to get done, it is unlikely to stop and notice the sensations of impatience and stress in our bodies, let alone what we are genuinely feeling. Instead we are future-focused on what we want in our mind’s eye, and to achieve it, we are driving ourselves, others and the universe to make it happen.
But a strong case of impatience does not go unnoticed in our surroundings, since it places such high expectations on others to bend to our will. It is easy to become rude, intolerant or cleverly manipulative when impatient, and none of it is necessarily more productive. And when sheer willpower does not produce what we want, the ego soon feels threatened and allocates blame elsewhere. Whatever it is that we want to get on with, change, own or achieve appears blocked by something or someone: ‘If only X would get out of the way!!!’
Even though feeling impatient can be experienced as a very emotional state, it is a good example of getting captured in the cross-fires of the mind, unconscious beliefs and fears. As messengers from our internal guidance system, emotions involving stress and impatience are not communicating that we should be more productive. They are instead pointing out that some important issues are currently out of our awareness and need to be paid attention to.
Could the communications of impatience be suggesting that we have lost touch with what we really feel? Could they be saying that we live in our heads too much of the time and have become ungrounded, even dissociated? Has a disconnection taken place from the bigger picture of my life? Have I unknowingly allowed my personal boundary to be messed with? Has my health and well-being been affected?
Feeling impatient and stressed communicate well ahead of any physical symptoms that might appear as a result of our stress responses in life. When our health is effected, the option is already faded to manage, manipulate or overcome the symptoms. We are called to attention: to also turn inwards and discover the messages that are being communicated to us through these emotions.
ENGAGING WITH STRESS & IMPATIENCE
Feeling stressed and impatient are reminders that another way of relating to life is possible. It is what genuinely matters to our wellbeing that needs attention, even to be prioritised.
There are two key skills that are invaluable on that path: learning to ground ourselves, and to strengthen our personal boundary. With those under our belt, further explorations can be more fruitful, and other tools could be more easy to implement.
When we engage directly with matters like the thinking, beliefs, fears, issues, patterns or behaviours involved in our typical stressful responses, all kinds of information can come to light. Maybe we discover, say, that we have been consistently trying to change something in the external world that we already know will never change. Has my dogged persistence been a way of avoiding more constructive ways? Could pride, ego or fear be involved? Have I been using impatience and stress to feel alive, active and important? Has it been a way for me to exercise control over people and events? Or to stonewall other issues in my life? Maybe we discover that it has served to bypass our powerlessness over certain issues in life.
In the quest for such self-knowledge, memories could come to mind where our stressed responses were particularly black-and-white. These examples may offer a lot of information on what our typical triggers are; both internally or externally. Looking back, what are the details of what was happening at the time a particular memory took place? What could I have been telling myself at the time? Was there something I feared would happen? Was I wrapped up in protecting my self-image? We are looking for any detail that might tell us if an emotional trigger was activated in the cross-fires between our mind, unconscious beliefs and fears at the time.
We need to name but a few of the triggers to impatience and stress to begin exploring alternative responses, but also to remember to practice those we want to make our own in everyday settings.
It is not difficult to discover methods and learn a few skills that quickly influence our typical stress and impatience response—such as grounding and boundary strengthening. Breath work and meridian tapping are also very helpful to makes shifts from one way of being to another. To make these come naturally, however, takes some practice.
To intentionally expand our skill-sets with this emotional state, it helps to set aside regular time to address the more emotionally charged issues we have identified, for instance, reducing the intensity of certain memories, triggers and sore buttons, reframe and release redundant self-talk and beliefs, and cultivate states of being that calm and heal. Otherwise we practice most of our skill-building in everyday settings.
Engaging in such inner work can lead to entirely new ways of getting things done. Maybe we discover that we no longer want to force our way in life and that we are willing to discover other ways getting things done. We could explore asking for help when we need it and learn let go instead of being attached to specific outcomes. Maybe we discover that inner peace matters more than getting our own way.
The results of our inner work often reflect the time and energy we put into it. Impatience and stress in our emotional profile can take time to transform. As some myths tell us, dragons are not slain in head-on battles. They are best overcome by giving time and attention to events that take place on the way to the dragon’s lair. A meandering approach can be the magic ingredient to disempowering the fierce dragon of impatience and stress.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling impatient part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel impatient?
What do I typically feel impatient about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
What skills would I like to have to relate constructively with impatience and stress?
When and how would I like to begin this?
Your key task during stressful times is not to strive for a stress-free life or an impenetrable psyche, but to work with your stress responses in honest and soul-honoring ways.
—Karla McLaren
FEELING JEALOUS
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ABOUT JEALOUSY
Jealousy has had a bad reputation for a long time. It is portrayed as an all-consuming, possessive and destructive state which is miserable for others and ourselves. It is for sure a state that has the power to ruin relations with others.
When feelings associated with jealousy arise, some of us react so strongly and behave so badly that it is as if we have no other choice. It comes naturally for us to imagine, invent and fuel the wildest scenarios, and believe them to be real enough to act on them. Even though we know deep inside that we could end up doing things we’ll later regret—maybe even suffer the loss of the relationship with the person we feel jealous about—we feel at the mercy of these emotions.
There is an intended purpose even for difficult emotions like jealousy. It serves a good cause like all emotions and aims to protect us. It communicates messages about how we navigate our relationships and social life. But when we are in the grips of reactiveness that we associate with feelings of jealousy, those communications are not easy to hear. We have typically lost connection with our other intuitive and rational faculties as well.
Unchecked reactions to jealousy can also become dangerous. When they are allowed to run rampant, we inadvertently cultivate go-to states where we are, more or less, always feeling mistrustful, watchful, angry and fearful.
The source of such strong reactions might lie in our most fundamental understanding of trust. We learn to trust—or mistrust—right at the beginning of life, and most of this learning takes place before we are able to speak, let alone make sense of our experiences. So learning to trust or mistrust is soaked up in a visceral sense. There is an immediacy to the experience of trusting and distrusting.
This can resemble—and also be distorted by—how we experience feelings of jealousy later on. Suddenly it is upon us and we can’t make sense of what is happening, much less find words for it. This all-consuming quality can reflect the intensity we experienced in the early years when we couldn’t understand or communicate something to do with our safety.
ENGAGING WITH JEALOUSY
Feelings of jealousy arise for valid reasons; they have to do with protecting our personal safety. Our first task in terms of building skills is to acknowledge that these feelings of jealousy carries information for us. We are called on to establish whether something disloyal, unfair or betraying is taking place in an intimate relationship, or whether we are experiencing a diminished sense of self that needs attention. What is being communicated when I feel like this? Where is the risk to my safety and security? What is it that I need to respond to? Does it concern another person or is it about myself? What kind of self-protection is needed?
To gain some agency in the heat of jealousy, it is best to immediately ground ourselves. It is particularly constructive to engage with the energy of jealousy in our body and direct it to strengthen our personal boundary. In our mind’s eye we scoop up this hot energy and channel it into a living boundary that surrounds us. We have called back our focus of attention from ‘the other’ to ourselves.
It is remarkably effective to work energetically when we want to relate to feelings of jealousy. It takes a bit of practice to learn how to do it, and it can take some time for it to become a natural response. But all our efforts, big and small, contribute to the building of skills and bring us closer to the emotional freedom they inherently promise.
Redirecting the energy of jealousy is not only grounding but it also helps us capture the message jealousy has brought us. Without channeling the heightened energy out of the body to serve a protective purpose for us, it becomes a hit and miss situation of what action to take.
It is by exploring how and where jealousy features in our life that we can learn more specifically where to transform outdated habits concerning jealousy. Both anger and fear also tend to be active when we feel jealous. Paying attention to these emotions is worthy of effort as well.
So how do we typically react when the message of jealousy concerns an intimate relationship? Do we repress the strong emotions and pretend everything is cosy, but furiously stew in them privately? Do we express them? Or explode with wild intensity? Is our reaction somewhere in-between?
Jealousy, anger and fear all aim to create safe boundaries, or restore those that have been broken. It is helpful to identifying any repeating patterns or triggers by recalling other experiences where we felt betrayed in some way. If we recall such incidents, can we notice a common pattern or red thread among them?
If we are looking for new ways to respond to feelings of jealousy in an intimate relationship, and are willing to go the extra mile to really transform a repeating pattern, we can greatly benefit from exploring our historic relationship with trust and de-charge with EFT tapping whatever charged memories come to mind. Looking back over our lives is aimed at finding concrete examples to work with, and in that fact-finding spirit we do not linger longer on the past than we need to get some examples.
Our boundaries are inevitably let down when we love another, after all, the nature of love is opening our heart to another. We relax our guard when we open up to love. Few of us want to ask the hard questions when love blooms, but feelings of jealousy in a love relationship offer a great opportunity to do so: Have I felt jealous in other relationship? How have intimate relationships worked out before? Where and how have I trusted others, and what has happened when I did? Did I put our trust in trustworthy people or unreliable people? What were the consequences? In what relationships have I been distrustful? What was the outcome? Is the person I am jealous of today trustworthy or not? Am I trustworthy myself? With myself? With others? In what ways do I tend to be mistrustful?
What if we discover that we are not trustworthy ourselves? Are we breaking important promises we have made to ourselves? Being jealous can be a way to trying to control others when we can’t trust ourselves. Or maybe we have abandoned ourselves in a relationship with someone in spite of knowing it is not good for us.
Reactive jealousy can also be looked at as an unconscious projection of what we capable of doing ourselves. The other person becomes the projection screen for what we do not admit about ourselves to ourselves. We conveniently accuse them of our own guilty inclinations.
When we feel jealous, it is our own issues and behaviour that need attention, not someone else’s. It is more than possible to radically transform our reactiveness when feeling jealous and learning to hear its protective messages. We are greatly helped in that process by attending to any personal wounds of trust.
Another path of transformation is to address issues of self-worth that play out in reactive jealousy. We explore the early conditioning in order to identify those foundational beliefs we operate on when it comes to self-acceptance and self-worth. Inescapably there are innumerable different influences that have formed how we see and feel about ourselves. Many of us have experienced dysfunction, displacements and trauma. It is never just our caregivers who are the deciding factors in our conditioning but also our extended family, peers, culture, media, inter-generational legacies and much more.
In contemporary cultures, personalities and celebrities are promoted as ideals and role models, and it’s not surprising that we learn to compare ourselves to others much more often than appreciating our own talents, gifts and potential. In school we compete, with friends we compare and many of our activities could ultimately end up being about winning or losing.
In the raw and painful state of feeling inadequate, our gaze so readily fixes on others and subsequently lead to comparing ourselves negatively to them. They become the projection boards for our longings, envy and so much more. We come to believe that we don’t have ‘what it takes’ and allow ourselves to continue to operate on undermining and limiting beliefs. A lot of future complications are created in those states. We are set up to live what has been imagined many times over: that we are bound to fail before we’ve even started,
When we feel inadequate, it is hard to remember that all this is learnt behaviour. We are not born feeling inadequate and unworthy-–it is a belief system that is created over time. Although it might feel like it only happens to us, it doesn’t. It happens to just about everyone – even the most confident looking people. Lack of self-worth and self-acceptance is so much part of our human condition that the experience of not feeling good enough has inspired whole industries that today provide us with ideas, solutions and incentives to heal these deep wounds.
There is great potential for self-knowledge, transformation and healing when we engage with new ways of responding to feelings of jealousy. It can take us to the heart of those matters that most influence different aspects of our lives. With the light of consciousness, we can discover and release these internal obstacles in the way of healthy trust, relationships with trustworthy people, and a genuine sense of worth and self-esteem. Freedom and liberation awaits us when we allow jealousy to play a role as awakener.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling jealous part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel jealous?
What do I typically feel jealous about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with jealousy?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
FEELING LONELY
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ABOUT LONELINESS
Feeling lonely can be a sensitive and painful experience, whether it is momentary or long lasting. In our post-modern cultures it tends to be associated with being physically alone, but loneliness takes place in all kinds of settings, even when we are among those we really care for. It is increasingly common to feel lonely despite the global phenomena of “being connected” technologically.
Throughout life, circumstances will again and again bring us into situations where we are invited to expand in self-awareness and personal growth. The emotions of feeling lonely are, like other emotions, inner guides that exist in order to help us with this: they point out where the growth is called for.
When we feel lonely, we are asked to make connection in some significant way. The emotions are nudging us to engage and discover what that is.
It is when we don’t willingly take part in such explorations that we risk perpetuating longer experiences of loneliness or making it one of our go-to states. Maybe we lack the knowledge of how to constructively engage with our emotions, or any number of other reasons. Or maybe we are simply afraid of looking closer at any possible broken connections within ourselves. Unwittingly we end up stoking more experiences of feeling separate, apart, and not connected.
We are not alone in feeling lonely—most people experience it—but it is tempting to assume that others don’t suffer loneliness we do. Caught up in speculation, we compare instead of connect, and forget that we are but one imperfect human being among all others. We set ourselves apart by cultivating mind-sets that speak of being different, separate, and ultimately, of not belonging. This kind of stimulated loneliness can feel very desolate.
There are personal as well as collective causes that influence our experiences of feeling lonely. A common premise in our era is that the nature of life is composed of separate parts. The material reductionist sciences have long operated on this premise but in recent decades research has proven it inaccurate.
There is now abundant evidence of the complete opposite: it is unity which is the true nature of reality. At the very heart of matter we find unity, and anything we perceive as separate has emerged from this fundamental unity.
Being under the influence of this collapsing world view—while its opposite is emerging—is not easy. Most of us are steeped in conditioning that sees separation everywhere; our psyches are trained for it. At this time in history the human species seem to be called, individually and collectively, to look at life with new eyes: as being connected, inter-connected and inter-dependent.
Taking this simple yet profound truth onboard can in itself radically transform our personal experience of loneliness and the way we view the world we live in.
ENGAGING WITH LONELINESS
Loneliness is an emotional state that has messages to communicate: we are disconnected in some important way, and need to change this to feel different. As messengers, emotions of loneliness are asking us to heal broken connections that matter for our highest good.
The experience of consciously engaging with loneliness might well be about coming out of physical isolation and nurture connections with others. The need is to be more externally connected with others, but the quality of those connections also seems to matter. Maybe the call is to connect more with nature. Some of us discover that the missing connection has to do with a relationship with the transpersonal dimension of life. Whatever the discoveries lead to, a healing connection with our deeper nature takes place by attending to the broken connections in our lives. To begin we can simply ask ourselves:
Is there a message for me in this loneliness?
Some of us can answer a question like this easily and already know what the broken connections are. The inner work can begin of mending them, and whenever needed, use tools on offer to carry it out.
Others among us are drawn to explorations that answer questions in the same spirit. We want to know more about the anatomy of the loneliness we experience; how it is expressed in our lives. We might look for associations and memories, and describe our findings in themes and triggers of it, or maybe point to the root causes of our experience of loneliness, In the process we might discover significant memories that still carry emotional charge, and safely release these with the methods like EFT tapping. In the process of exploration, we name the issues and patterns we want to change.
There is often an ache in the experience of loneliness and in this respect it helps to also name what we are lonely for. Is it a backwards looking loneliness that I tend to experience? Am I feeling lonely for lost parts of myself? Am I lonely for the past in some other way? if so, what is it specifically that I long for? What qualities are associated with what I long for? Could those qualities be found in other ways in my current givens?
Is it instead a forward looking ache of loneliness that I feel? Am I lonely for something that has yet to come into being? Is it something that I can’t yet have, or am doubtful I can ever have? Do I feel loneliness over something meaningful that has not yet been realised? Are there ways I could invest the energy spent in loneliness to support this potential instead?
In relation to others, have I withdrawn in any way from connection with others, the world, a way of life? If so, in what ways? What led to the disconnection? Have I not been able to integrate big changes that have taken place? Did I suffer a loss I can’t seem to get over? Is there another loss in my past which could have activated emotions of loneliness today?
Am I simply exhausted after making great efforts and need some time to myself? Or am I isolating despite myself? Have I shut down and disconnected in order to avoid feeling hurt again? Are there times of the year when I feel particularly lonely? How could I best care for myself on those days?
Sometimes we discover deep roots to our states of loneliness, and then it is optimal to have the support from a therapist or a mutual support group. Childhood aloneness can be internalised as a sense of chronic loneliness through life, no matter how busy we might be in the world, or however many friends we might be surrounded by. It can feel as if no one has ever really cared about us. We have not felt heard, seen, acknowledged, appreciated, or listened to when it most mattered in our lives.
If any of this is what is ailing us in our loneliness, we are no doubt called to find support and companionship on a journey of healing. A part of us is seeking to be expressed and integrated. As Joseph Campbell famously suggested, we are not the first to go on such journeys of homecoming because “heroes of all time have gone before us.” Benefitting from what has worked for others is a smart way ahead. We also learn about supportive inner resources that we can apply on our own.
A well-tried and tested approach to healing persistent childhood influences like chronic loneliness is learning to gently reparent ourselves. There are remarkable mutual help fellowships today where people with common problems support one another in becoming a loving parent to themselves. A step at a time we learn to take loving care of ourselves, much like a nurturing parent would. The old wounds of aloneness and isolation are released and whole other ways of being in connection are discovered.
When we discover that it is possible to move well beyond long lasting experiences of feeling lonely, the relationship we have with ourself is greatly improved. Such connectedness makes it far more possible to be able to be physically alone and be fine with it. We can be alone without suffering. Old go-to states of loneliness evolve into a natural capacity for solitude.
It is rare to feel lonely when we know how to be content alone. The quality of connection with ourself really matters and is a powerful life skill to have. It inevitably enhances our relationships with others as well. Inherent in feelings of loneliness are messages that we can find better ways of being alone.
Solitude is not only very nourishing on many levels but can also provide us with a sacred space to cultivate visions for our life. When this happens, the loneliness we have known goes out of the window. Occasionally it might return to nudge us to heal some broken connection. The experience of feeling lonely ultimately serves as a portal for coming to peace with ourselves.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling lonely part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel lonely?
What do I typically feel lonely about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with my loneliness?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
The change of consciousness that turns loneliness into solitude is genius.
— Robert Johnson
FEELING SAD
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ABOUT SADNESS
Feelings of sadness are part of the human experience because they serve an important function for us. But not knowing that they have a purpose—or how to usefully relate to experiences of sadness— create problematics all of their own. It is way more common to not want to feel it rather than experience sadness carrying gifts for us.
Sadness is an emotional experience which is often associated with loss rather than with slowing down for some helpful release and restoration. Many of us have learnt to use distractions when these emotions come forth, and are afraid they could weaken us. Once we engage constructively with the experience of sadness, it can be accepted and benefitted from.
Like other emotional states that point out the imbalances of our lives, sadness can be brief or longer lasting depending on how we tend to respond to it. In its natural, healthy and free-flowing state, sadness is gentle, softening and cleansing. It not only slows us down but quietly helps us drop our masks and gently notice where we find ourselves. Whatever the cause of it, feeling sad is an interior way of creating space where we can be ourselves; where there is no need to pretend anything. Sadness is most healing when we allow ourselves to experience this softened inner posture.
Sadness is surprisingly grounding and curative when it is allowed to be felt. The release mechanism of sadness, tears, help us let go of what needs to be released. Life consists of so many invitations to let go but it can feel really difficult to do so. It often comes more naturally to hold on than letting go. Sadness offers us space to let go of all the holding on. When we allow sadness to contribute in this way to our wellbeing, relief and relaxation tends to follow.
By consciously exploring the experience of sadness in our lives, the link between past and current experiences of sadness is revealed; we can see our history of this emotion playing out in different situations and settings. We can gain both understanding and empathy about the ways we respond to sadness today, and see more clearly what our options are.
In recent times, or today, are we mourning the loss of someone? Or experiencing the loss of something else that really matters to us? The arrival of sadness can provide us with a sacred space where we are free to mourn, grieve and feel the effects of our losses. When we are in mourning, sadness could make itself known as waves that rise and descend. When we grant these rhythms their time and space, rather than overriding them in some way, sadness can be an outstanding healer of the emotional effects of the losses of our lives.
But not everyone is able to be around sadness without wanting to hurry it along, whether it is in ourselves or in others. It can be hard to allow such pockets of time to feel it when other things are vying for our attention.
Maybe our explorations discover that there is no known cause for the emotions of sadness we feel. It lingers as a melancholic backdrop in our lives and could have become part of who we believe ourselves to be.
When free-flowing emotions are suppressed, their energy is added to other accumulated emotional charge in the body, and can be expressed in lingering mood states like sadness. The repressed emotions are still seeking to be expressed is some form rather than existing in captured states, to move on.
When sadness becomes a familiar lingering state, it is tempting to carry on sinking into it, settle in and staying put. But this is not the intended cleansing process an experience of sadness offers. It is not in its nature to stay put. Should sadness be a backdrop to our existence, we need to be more honest with ourselves. Are we clinging to sadness? What hidden purposes is it serving for us?
ENGAGING WITH SADNESS
The nature of sadness is not respected when we hold onto it. It needs to move through, soften and cleanse, not be captured for other purposes. Healthy sadness can point out what is no longer working; outdated situations where we are attached but need to let go, relationships that have outgrown their purpose, and so on.
The qualities of sadness create a quieter space where we can see how we might be avoiding life in some way, or have gotten stuck at a certain moment in time and tend to recall the memory, trauma, or shock of it. Sadness comes forth to ask us to release what is holding us back.
We tend to know what needs to be released and can usually put a name to it. We can ask ourselves questions as well. We simply set aside time and space in order to be present with questioning like this, or have support by doing it together with someone else, a support group or a helping professional. It is helpful to write down the answers as well.
Do I feel sadness sometimes or has sadness become my companion in life? Is there something I have lost which I feel sad about? Someone dear to me? Are there situations or relationships I haven’t been able to grieve? Any hurts I haven’t been able to let go of?
What do I tell myself when I am sad? How do I behave, how do I act on it? Is there anything I am avoiding by feeling sad? Am I frightened by what life could ask of me if I stopped being sad? Is there something I am not ready for? What do I know deep inside is needed? What would be supportive to act on? What would I have to do to reach out for help if that is what needed?
What events do I associate with feeling sad? What situations today brings forth feelings of sadness? Do I feel sad about the suffering around me? What keeps me feeling this way—in my thinking, self-talk, behaviours? Is it time to let something go? What is it? Do I need a helping hand letting go?
Any stumbling blocks we might find that prevent us from benefiting from the healing and releasing experience of sadness can be attended to constructively. Just a few emotional skill-building practices go a long way when we want to engage constructively with emotions such as sadness. They help us befriend them and work well alongside them. Learning to align with the big-hearted purpose of sadness, Karla McLaren writes: “If you move through your sadness honestly, you’ll encounter honest pain, honest sorrow, honest emptiness, and finally, and honest re-connection to and rejuvenation of your heartfelt self.”
It is a great awakening to realise that emotions come forth with benevolent purposes. Knowing we are not at their mercy but called to greater wellbeing opens the door to willingness to engage with them, and discover the gifts they carry for us. Each time we engage in such conscious experiences, we are building our emotional freedom.
IN SUMMARY
Is feeling sadness part of my emotional profile?
If so, in what ways?
When do I tend to feel sad ?
What do I typically feel sad about?
What beliefs could be involved?
What fears could be present?
What of this would I like to see changed?
Do I need support attending to it?
If so, what am I looking for?
What skills would I like to develop to relate constructively with my sadness?
When and how would I like to begin this inner work?
THE WISH LIST
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With the insights and information you have gathered so far, it is not difficult to put together a working model of your emotional profile and identify the skills you would like to build.
There might also be emotions that you experience that are not described here. Add whatever additional self-knowledge you feel is relevant to this emotional profile. Then make a wish list of the emotional skills you want and are prepared to practice in daily life. Make a gentle plan for when you want to begin, and also what your first skill-building will be focused on.
Next set a heartfelt intention to gain these emotional skills, and dedicate your inner work to something meaningful to you, such as For the Good of All.
