BECOME EMOTIONALLY LITERATE
Becoming emotionally literate involves learning how to optimise our communications—from the quality of our listening to how we express ourselves emotionally. These skill-sets are the focus of a field known as ‘clean communications.’
When we communicate ‘cleanly,’ we are inevitably also cultivating peaceful relationships with others and ourselves. It lies in the very nature of the human being to be connected—in fact the unified physics of today has proven that at the most fundamental level of existence we are already connected, interconnected and interdependent—yet so many of us in the post-modern world end up feeling disconnected, isolated and misunderstood for no real fault of our own.
This predicament can radically change with emotional skill-building because it supports the healing of inner and outer broken connections. One effect is that a profound sense of belonging is gently restored to us. When we increase our emotional literacy with the use of clean communications, we quite literally are mending and healing those impaired connections.
ABOUT CLEAN COMMUNICATIONS
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NAME YOUR EMOTIONS
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Our emotional literacy grows exponentially when we learn to name the emotions we feel.
The emotions listed below are loosely clustered together in themes. This compilation of emotions is by no means comprehensive so we can add to it whenever we want.
The idea is to first list those that are most relevant to us personally. This is a fact-finding exercise so we move through the words rather quickly instead of lingering over choices.
Next we use 3 coloured pens to code how much they are present in our lives. We just circle the names of the emotions accordingly. A red pen could, for example, mean OFTEN, a yellow SOMETIMES and a green RARELY or NEVER.
The process then fleshes out some additional information that could be useful to know.
THE PRACTICE PROCESS
TUNE IN
Take a moment to relax and become present
LOOK AT THE NAMES OF EMOTIONS & LIST THOSE YOU EXPERIENCE
With different coloured pens, circle those emotions you feel most often, those you feel sometimes and those you rarely or never feel
THINK BACK ON EMOTIONAL EPISODES WITH OTHERS
Look back and identify examples of episodes when you felt your most familiar emotions, and note these down as well
PUT YOURSELF IN THE SHOES OF OTHERS
Look back over your life and identify people who know you best emotionally. Put yourself in their shoes and write down those key-words they might use to describe your most familiar emotions, and those you sometimes experience.
CLOSE
Close this process with a couple of deep breaths. Allow yourself a few moments for any additional insights to surface. Keep your written work and add information to it as your self-knowledge grows.
This practice round of skill-building becomes second nature when it is practiced in daily life:
I notice emotions in myself and others. I turn towards them with curiosity to discover more about them. I honour my emotions by also naming them in my conversations with others.
CONTENT CONNECTED INVOLVED ENGAGED
GRATEFUL PEACEFUL RELAXED
FULFILLED APPRECIATIVE LOVING
JOYFUL LIGHTHEARTED AFFECTIONATE INSPIRED
DELIGHTED ENTHUSIASTIC ADVENTUROUS EAGER
OPTIMISTIC PLAYFUL EXCITED CURIOUS
AFRAID NERVOUS WORRIED DISTRESSED
ANXIOUS PRESSURED SHOCKED FRIGHTENED
EMBARASSED INTIMIDATED BULLIED
ANGRY RESENTFUL FURIOUS JEALOUS
FRUSTRATED ENVIOUS VENGEFUL
IMPATIENT IRRITATED STRESSED
SAD DISHEARTENED HURT MOURNFUL
SENSITIVE ABANDONED LET DOWN
DOWN DEJECTED DISCOURAGED EMPTY
ISOLATED LONELY PESSIMISTIC DISAPPOINTED
CONFUSED RELUCTANT OVERWHELMED CONFLICTED
INDECISIVE ASHAMED INADEQUATE
BEWILDERED STUCK UNCERTAIN GUILTY
Clean communications is an art composed of different skill sets. Another skill to develop is to learn to actively listen to others and show them that we have heard what’s been said. This involves the ability to communicate to others in ‘whole messages’ rather than bits and pieces. Whole messages include our feelings and needs in the communications that personally matter to us.
One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is our full attention. Active listening is being attentive to what the other person has to say. Our full focus is on the other person and their communications, not our own thoughts, self-talk and possible responses, opinions or reactions. We avoid anticipating what they might say next or what we are going to say in response to that. It is listening with presence, focus, and an open mind and heart to another person.
Active listening also includes letting the person know that they have been heard; also known as reflecting back. This is most easily achieved by using their own words or paraphrasing what has just been heard. ‘So what you are telling me is that...’ ‘If I understand you correctly, what you need is...?’
PRACTICING ACTIVE LISTENING
The practice of active listening takes place in communications with others and/or by setting up practice rounds on purpose when we are seeking to improve communications with someone in particular. The key is to communicate that we have genuinely been listening to the other and have taken on board what they have said. This makes it possible for each participant to confirm that they feel heard.
A classic practice round of such proactive listening between two people can take this form:
Person A shares for the decided time ( 3, 4 or 5 minutes for instance)
Person B repeats to the best of their ability what has been said - without their own comments - until person A confirms that they feel heard
Person B repeats the same protocol by sharing for the allocated time, and person A repeats what has been said without commenting until person B confirms that they feel heard
To make the skill of active listening our own, we just put it to practice in daily life situations, especially in our conversations with people who matter to us. We briefly repeat what has been said and ask if we have correctly understood it.
It can be remarkable to see the effects that active listening has on our relationships.
LEARN ACTIVE LISTENING
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Clean communications also involves completing our communications to others by sharing the emotions and needs we might have. It means transmitting whole messages rather than the partial messages that so many of us use with one another.
Partial messages means communicating only some parts of what we want to say and hope that others will get the hidden meaning and act on it. How partial our communications tend to be depends on what we learned growing up—usually what is socially acceptable to reveal or not. If we have been conditioned to be cautious, it is only natural to be reticent about revealing more of ourselves with fuller messages. While being selective in what we say helps keep us in our comfort zone, long-term it often prevents authentic connection and intimacy with others.
The problem with partial communications is that it usually leads to misunderstanding, confusion, and even into conflict with people. Expecting others to figure out what we are not saying sets everyone up for disappointment and resentment. Feeling misread or misjudged can also become quite emotional as it may lead to feeling hurt, rejected, or left out. There can be many effects from realising that others are not reading us correctly, and not doing our covert bidding.
PRACTICING WHOLE MESSAGE COMMUNICATIONS
Speaking in whole messages means that we can no longer omit sharing relevant information about our emotions and needs. A whole message broadly includes the following four components: we make an observation about something, share our thoughts about it, name the emotions we feel and describe our needs relating to it.
Here is an example of these four elements of a whole message: “I discovered that you changed the date for meeting up with ____ (observing). This new date does not work for me. I have a lot on then and cannot add this meeting as well (our thoughts). I feel some anger that you didn’t check in with me first (naming our emotion). It would be helpful if we could to do it the following week (our need). Could that option work for all of us?’
Stating a need does not mean that we can expect it will be met, but it is more likely.
It takes time to learn to communicate this way so we need real life situations for honing our skills. There we include the basic elements of observation, thoughts, emotions and needs in each communication. It supports our efforts to notice the overall effects of communicating this way.
MAKE CLEAN REQUESTS
Clean requests are important whole messages as well.
A clean request sticks to a specific subject; it describes a situation (without judging it), acknowledges our feelings about it and makes a specific request (free of expectations). The possibility that our request might not be met is an inherent part of the communication.
We can set up practice rounds with others to learn to make clean requests. This is the order: 1/ a brief description of the situation, 2/ a brief statement on what we feel about it, 3/ making a clean request and acknowledging that we are not expecting the other to fulfil it.
Once our emotions and needs begin to naturally form part of our communications with others, we are more likely to hear and accept their emotions and needs. Clean communications pave the way for being heard, respected and accepted by all parties.
There are numerous ways in which we can learn to include our emotions and needs in communications with others—as well as learning to hear their own. This has a direct influence on the emotional wellbeing with others.
Expressing ourselves more fully does not mean that we are declaring that we hold others responsible for taking care of our needs, nor that we are responsible for taking care of theirs. The practice of cleanly voicing them simply makes the relationship more honest and it is also more likely that our needs are respected.
COMMUNICATE NON-VIOLENTLY
It is only natural that we react to some behaviours others use, become critical of it and may try to change these. In terms of getting our genuine needs met, such attempts at controlling others rarely works but instead they activate resistance and cause complications. Strong emotions are more than likely to result, and repeat.
It is way more effective to relate to other people’s behaviour with the help of Non-Violent Communications, also known as NVC. It involves an observation of something (in this case a behaviour), how we feel about it, what we need or value, and a request for a concrete action (what we would like to see. )
The sequence in action of NVC unfolds like this: “When I (see, hear) ___ I feel ___ because I value ___ . Would you be willing to ___?
For example: “When I experience you shouting at me, I feel really shaken but also sad because I love feeling close and connected to you. Could you tell me what is going on without shouting at me in the future?”
We can also intentionally use NVC to better understand the needs of others. The NVC sequence would then be something like this: “When you (see, hear) ____ you may feel ____ because you value ____ Would you help me understand what would work better?
These skills are best learned by being practiced in life settings, or by setting up practice rounds on purpose. With NVC it is ideal to first practice on specific subjects. The purpose is not to arrive at conclusions, decisions or actions but to get used to the steps of the NVC protocol so it can serve communications that really matter to us.
Using communications that bring more connection between people has a great domino effect for the good. It can shift long-standing habits we thought were impossible to change. We may discover that we care less about being right or getting the credit, and way more about staying connected and understood. It becomes easier to let go of any desire to criticise, blame, control or hold others responsible for our own wellbeing, and instead come to accept our differences without sweat. There is a dialogue taking place rather than arguments of opinion. Mutual respect can grow in such exchanges. The effects are truly startling when clean communications are regularly used with others.
Three weeks of daily practice of these approaches will show results and after three months of practice we could have learned a whole new way of communicating.
These practice rounds of skill-building become second nature when it is practiced in daily life:
I practice active listening with others, and use whole messages to share my feelings and needs. I use non-violent communications to make clean requests with others without being attached to the outcome.
USE WHOLE MESSAGES
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When our emotions say a basic yes, there’s a sense of relief and wellbeing. When they say no, we get more of a sense of tightness and stress. These communications are felt in the body as sensations of expansion or contraction. They provide straightforward guidance to what’s going on— our gut feelings.
It can be helpful to begin by reading our emotions in these simple terms. For a message that has a basic affirmative nature, call it a YES, there’s a sense of expansiveness and relief inside. For a message that is not affirmative, some version of a NO, we’ll experience sensations of contraction, tightness and discomfort.
The idea with the following practice process is to become aware of what these expansive or contractive sensations feel like. We briefly conjure them up by remembering two emotionally charged scenarios. To illustrate the contrast between the sensations of expansion and contraction, we make use of two black and white scenarios of strong likes and dislikes: something we love and something we loathe.
We could, say, imagine a scenario of going to live for a year with a person we really dislike. After a minute of inhabiting this scenario in our imagination, we turn to fact-finding: any signs of the contractions and tightness inside? That would be how a version of NO feels inside.
Then we contrast it by imagining eating our favourite food in a special place with people we really love. The signals of expansion and wellbeing inside speak a YES.
TUNE IN
Take a couple of deep breaths to relax and turn inwards
IMAGINE SCENARIO ONE
Begin with a scenario you really don’t like: i.e. “Living with _____ for a Year”
TELL THE STORY
Close your eyes and imagine this scenario playing out. Experience the details with your senses; how it looks, sounds, smells and feels like
NOTICE THE EFFECTS
Feel the effects in your solar plexus, chest and throat. What is it like? What is the response to this scenario? Any sensations of contraction, tightness? If yes, go to the next step, if no, imagine the scenario for a while longer, and then move on
CHANGE YOUR FOCUS
To shift to the next scenario, take a few deep breaths. If you want, do something physical like shaking your arms or wriggling your toes
IMAGINE SCENARIO TWO
Turn to the second scenario, the one you really like
TELL THE CONTRASTING STORY
In your mind’s eye paint the picture of the scenario you really, really like. Make it feel real. Use all your senses to get into it. How does it look, sound, smell and feel like?
NOTICE THE EFFECTS
What are the sensations in response to this scenario? Any sensations of ease, relief, delight and emotional wellbeing?
These two black and white scenarios can be alternated until you distinctly experience the different sensations of expansion or contraction so you can remember them for future reference
CLOSE & REFLECT
Let the experience go and close. Take a moment to reflect before you move on to other things. What did you notice?
There is no right or wrong way of doing this. What matters is to get a sense of the way some feelings communicate and see the potential this has for us in daily life, for example, when we have to make decisions about things that matter. We focus on each option and pay close attention to the language of contraction for NO and expansion for YES. With practice it becomes easier to differentiate clearly between what serves our wellbeing and what doesn’t. Our gut-feelings become great allies in our daily life.
This practice round of skill-building becomes second nature when it is practiced in daily life:
I pay attention to signs of inner expansion or contraction to access heir guidance.
ACCESS INNER GUIDANCE
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RELEASE CRITICAL SELF-TALK
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ABOUT SELF-TALK
Self-talk is what we tell ourselves in the privacy of our own thoughts. It can sound like a background voice that comments on just about everything that happens, has happened, might happen. Although self-talk can be constructive, more often than not it repeats critical or limiting messages. They can recur like broken records and make us feel bad. That is, until we have a co-creative relationship with self-talk and choose to focus it to more usefully.
Self-critical self-talk is particularly toxic. It is the voice that relentlessly judges, shames and belittles us. It can be ferocious when it turns to detailing what we look like, do, say, have and so on. Critical self-talk is often very mean about others as well.
Unchecked self-talk becomes powerfully automatic. It is often misleading and also distracting, and very likely to interfere with our ability to use clean communications. We get worked up emotionally when we listen to, and believe, critical self-talk. In contrast, it is personally empowering to learn skills that directly influence the quality of it. Here we can learn to identify self-talk, examine it and influence it to serve our highest good.
ENGAGING WITH SELF-TALK
It can take time to become aware of self-talk because it tends to be automated. First we need to get a sense of what we are listening to. This fact-finding mission is best spread over a period of time such as a month. Then we have concrete examples to work with.
To begin, set an intention that you want to learn about your self-talk. It gives energy and direction to your effort.
FOCUS & RECORD
The idea is to carry a notebook with you for about a month and write down as many self-talk messages as possible, whatever they are. Listen out for the opinions and judgements that repeat often. It could be about anything; yourself, others, specific events, world events, the future or the past. It might sound like people in your past; what your caregivers, teachers or peers taught you to believe is true. Critical self-talk tends to be black and white. Be sure to catch the self-critical ones.
Also notice the actual phrases you tell yourself in interactions with others—they can take place before, during and afterwards. Write down as many examples as you can. It could be anything from ‘I look fat,’ ‘Can’t stand that person!’ to ‘You’re going on and on, get to the point man.’
When you have a particularly strong reaction to someone or something, write down exactly what you have been telling yourself. If you are getting worked up over something in the future, add those sentences spoken inside. If something from the past is getting to you, collect the messages and opinions you are listening to and put them down as well. If you are lying awake at night, gather info about the self-talk going on, and if possible, write or record them.
FOCUS & COLLECT
During the month you are gathering self-talk, also collect sentences and images in newspapers or magazines. Cut out anything that resonates with your self-talk investigation. It could be stories, images, sentences, headlines or commercial slogans.
IDENTIFY YOUR THEMES
Once you have a substantial collection of self-talk material, play around with it and create visual representations of it so that it expresses your self-talk knowledge. Glue together collages of the sentences and images you have come across.
Look at them regularly to see if any self-talk themes are represented. Looking at them, ask yourself what influence these messages have on your emotional wellbeing? Write down anything that seems relevant and have these notes ready for the next stage: to learn about influencing them for the better.
When you are ready to get a fuller picture of the effects this self-talk has on you, move on to:
EXAMINE YOUR CRITICAL SELF-TALK
This process takes another close look at what we tell ourselves in order to identify possible drivers behind it.
THE PRACTICE PROCESS
Refer to the self-talk you have already collected and proceed with the process below.
If you prefer to gather fresh information, choose something you have strong opinions about to capture judgemental self-talk. It could be thinking about someone with an annoying behaviour, a situation that makes you impatient, or situations where you tell yourself you are not good enough.
Choose the self-talk you want to examine, close your eyes and focus mentally on this self-talk and allow it to run. Listen out for any inner comments, opinions or beliefs. Whenever a self-talk sentence arises, open your eyes and write it down, then tune back in again for another piece of self-talk and write this down. Once you have a few examples, proceed with the rest of this process.
CHOOSE A FOCUS & ADD INFORMATION
Choose one of your self-talk sentences to examine and keep adding relevant information
My self-talk sentence says: ........... (write it down)
This is ..........
a complaint
a judgement
a criticism
a suspicion
an expectation
a disappointment
a demand
an entitlement
a justification
a reminder
a fantasy
an idea
a fact
a compliment
an appreciation
a practical reminder
other: ..........
It takes place.....
in the past
in the future
right now
It makes me feel.....
angry
frustrated
impatient
humiliated
resentful
envious
jealous
sad
lonely
worried
inadequate
ashamed
guilty
self-critical
anxious
resigned
regretful
relieved
content
confident
happy
excited
loving
hopeful
grateful
other:
You now have a much fuller impression of your self-talk. It has sources and effects.
My self-talk sentence says: ........... This is ………. It takes place….. It makes me feel.....
When you wish to, run through other significant self-talk sentences with the same process.
IDENTIFY YOUR SELF-TALK THEMES
Look through your work to discover themes in your self-talk. Pay attention to the self-talk that is supportive of you and that which is undermining, and write these down. Add any themes you see emerging.
Maybe you find that your self-talk complains or criticises a lot, or activates feelings of guilt, shame or worry. Maybe it ignites feeling regretful, sad or anxious. Or excited, hopeful or grateful. The point is to relate to your self-talk and get to know what it consists of. Then it can be influenced.
When you are ready to consciously transform the self-talk you have identified and examined, move on to
TRANSFORM YOUR UNDERMINING SELF-TALK
This skill-building content offers four options for transforming self-talk.
SKILL ONE
Snap out of self-talk
Entrenched self-talk can be loosened in indirect ways. A ‘running commentary’ is one such method. It interrupts automated self-talk by taking up the space. It is a good method to use on the spot.
To learn it, you will need some self-talk to work with. If you are not experiencing self-talk right now, use one of the sentences you have identified earlier or think of something you feel really opinionated about and begin to mentally tell the story.
Next imagine yourself as an observer of the reality that is going on right now and start commenting on it under your breath, with a soft voice. Describe what is going on inside of you and all around you in this running commentary. Comment on everything you are seeing, hearing, sensing, smelling, thinking, doing, noticing and so on for a good minute or two.
Then take a moment to notice your inner state of mind. Sense it and enjoy the spacious quietness that many experience at this point.
Get into the habit of running a commentary whenever you notice your automated self-talk taking over. Take the time to snap out of it and instead become more fully present again with the unfolding reality.
SKILL TWO
Challenge your undermining messages
This skill is inspired by Byron Katie’s work. We take the critical self-talk we have identified and challenge it.
Begin by tuning in to what the self-talk is speaking about and repeat it out loud. Ask yourself if this self-talk is true and listen out for an inner response. Double check by asking again if this self-talk is really true and listen again for a response. Continue asking until you feel convinced of having an accurate answer. Notice the effects of what you have just done. How does it feel inside?
Over the coming months - whenever you catch yourself using self-defeating self-talk—see it as an invitation to be worked with constructively. It takes awareness and repetition to replace old self-talk for more supportive ways of speaking to ourselves.
SKILL THREE
Replace critical messages
List the most undermining examples of your self-critical self-talk on the left side of a sheet of paper. When you are done, write self-supportive messages next to each one.
Put these self-supportive messages on individual cards, carry them with you and look at them in moments of self-doubt or self-criticism. Put other cards or post-its in places where they are easily seen in daily life. Notice what happens inside when you work consciously to replace undermining self-talk with self-supportive messaging.
SKILL FOUR
Release the emotional charge of self-talk
This uses EFT tapping for the actual de-charge of self-talk.
First prepare a list of the self-talk you want to release the emotional charge of. Choose the self-talk sentence you first want to de-charge, give it a name and measure its intensity on a scale from 1-10.
Next look back over your life and catch any image memories that remind you of this particular self-talk. When was the first time you heard it? Does it originate with a person in your past telling you this? Do other situations come to mind that led you to believe this message is true? Give any such image memory a name and write it down. They are associations that also deserve to have their emotional charge reduced.
Now turn to the EFT protocol (it can be found in the ‘to release my emotional baggage’ section.)
Begin to de-charge the charged items on you list, from the emotions attached to this self-talk and its associations and images memories. Follow the progress of your tapping by measuring the intensity on a scale from 0-10. Continue tapping rounds on a listed item until it is under 3 on the scale.
Acknowledge your valiant inner work and celebrate the emotional freedom you are creating!
These practice rounds of skill-building become second nature when they are practiced in daily life:
I notice undermining self-talk and practice skills to transform it. I release the emotional charge I discover, and cultivate self-supportive ways of speaking to myself. I notice the effects t has on my emotional and mental wellbeing.
SUPPORT LINKS
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For detailed support on various tapping subjects go to www.emofree.com. It is the official EFT website created by Gary Craig, the founder of EFT. There are hundreds upon hundreds of YouTube videos about using EFT for different issues and thetappingsolution.com also provides a yearly summit and an app for EFT tapping.